The End

I can remember knowing that there was trouble was brewing for quite a while. I can remember the fights, the tears, the feeling of being utterly alone. I can remember his words; I can remember my words. I can remember it all.

I can remember the night I found out. I did not sleep that night. I read every message in his phone. I read about his affair. I read about how he regretted marrying me. I read about how his mother knew and said nothing "so as not to make him angry."

And suddenly it all made sense. What I had suspected for months was right there in black and white, staring at me, mocking me. I was sick, physically sick. I left, told him I wanted a divorce, and had moved out within a week.

We didn't speak for nearly two months. When we finally did, it was our wedding anniversary. He called. I cried, we talked about possibly working things out. I tried. I saw him once a week for about a month. But then I again found more evidence that he hadn't really changed, and more importantly, I had changed. I was no longer willing to put his happiness and feelings before my own. I was done for good; I had reached the end.

This is were I am starting over. Yes I had moved out, but many of my belongings were being stored. It was as though unpacking in my apartment would make things final. Then I realized that things have been final for some time. My heart didn't break the night I found out about the affair (affairs if you include emotional affairs as cheating, which I do). My heart started breaking probably 2 1/2-3 years ago. I can't pinpoint the beginning of the end, as it wasn't one singular event. My ex had spent the past few years criticizing me constantly, telling me I wasn't good enough. I walked on eggshells not to make him angry. Meanwhile, the anger inside of me began to grow until I was like a volcano constantly on the edge of eruption. And yes, I did erupt often near the end of our marriage. I said my fair share of cruel words to him, also; I told him I hated him more than once. I wasn't proud of that. I'm still not. Our relationship had not been healthy for a long time.

This blog is my attempt to channel this pain into something productive; to learn to love myself again; to heal the scars. This is not an attempt to bash my ex (even though this post may seem that way). I have forgiven him, and pray that he finds peace and forgiveness within himself. This is my journey.