Relationship Grieving

Today at work I was talking with a friend who just finalized her divorce this week. She told me the actual court date was hard. She cried. She said she already grieved the loss of her husband, but she had not grieved the loss of her marriage. Some people would probably question this. After all, isn't a husband exactly one half of a marriage. If one is gone, the other is gone also. I see this line of reasoning. But let me explain why it's not the same.

Many people date around before they marry. A lot of people have multiple serious partners before deciding to marry. Grieving a husband is like grieving the break-up of a boyfriend you dated for years. You grieve the loss of the person You grieve the loss of their presence, their friendship, their touch. You grieve the loss of songs and secrets and jokes that you shared. You grieve the loss of the future you could have had.

But when you grieve a marriage you grieve something much more emotional. I've broken up with guys and I left my husband. Leaving my husband was one thousand times harder than breaking up with any of my old boyfriends, even though our marriage was not healthy and we both hurt each other. Ending a marriage is so much more official. You have to list assets and debts. You have to split up bills and belongings. You have to say, "I promised to be with this person forever, but I failed miserably in that promise." I have struggled with shame and embarrassment over saying "my marriage failed." I don't fail. I succeed. It may take a lot of hard work and dedication but I succeed. So why couldn't I succeed in my marriage? Did I not try hard enough? Should I have loved more? Prayed more? Been less angry? Been more forgiving?

The truth is I don't know that anything could have saved my marriage. We were living two completely different lives. We wanted completely different futures. The last time I talked to him he told me he ruined his life with poor decisions. I didn't say anything, but in my heart I agreed. He drank too much and cheated a lot, and constantly put me down. I became angry and resentful. I hated being his wife. My marriage failed...miserably. I can't escape that. But I am getting to the point that I don't want to. I want to learn and grow and admit my short-comings. I want to have hope for the future.

What does it mean to be happier?

I'm happier than I can remember being in at least two years (probably three if I'm being honest). I have surrounded myself with people who are kind to me. I'm learning to love myself. It's hard. There are times I look in the mirror and all I see are flaws. I see what he told me to see. I see a small chest and a wide butt. I see eyes that look too small if I wear glasses so I wear contacts instead. I hear his voice telling me I don't dress nice enough; I should wear more dresses and less blue jeans. I hear him telling me that he "just isn't attracted to women with short hair." I remember him putting his hand on my leg or stomach and shaking it to make my fat jiggle. I remember feeling ugly and never good enough. I remember telling him how I went from being a girl who struggled with self-esteem issues before I met to to being a girl who hated her body after being married to him for almost four years. I remember weighing 125 pounds and being told I needed to join a gym and get in shape. I remember him telling me he was afraid I was going to get fat. I remember how badly it hurts for the man who vowed to love me forever say such hateful, hurtful words to me.

So I'm happier now. But what does it mean? Can I be as happy as I used to be before this marriage? Can I change the way I look at myself. Will I ever not hear his words? Will I ever feel good about myself? I am happier than I have been in years and I still don't completely love myself. But I am working on it. I don't chastise myself if I eat fast food. I cut my hair above my shoulders and I like it. I wear jeans whenever I want and feel happy doing so. If I exercise it's because I want to, not because someone is making me feel guilty for not exercising. I am learning to be happy with myself. What I'm learning is I have to believe in myself.

I think if I could have one wish it would be for people to be happy with themselves and to never let anyone steal their happiness. I think about my  nieces and my nephew. I think about how I love them. The thought that they may doubt their worth and dislike themselves breaks my heart. When I work with kids who are struggling with self-esteem they are often given an assignment to make a list of their positive attributes. The thought behind this is you have to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. This isn't only for kids and teenagers though. I need to apply this to my life. We, as a society, all need to apply this. Replace "I'm ugly" with "I'm beautiful." Replace "I'm stupid" with "I'm smart." The truth is you believe what you hear. If you hear bad things about yourself, then you'll believe them. So change the cycle. Say good things about yourself. Tell yourself you are smart, beautiful, kind, happy. Then slowly you will start to be happier, too.