What does it mean to be happier?

I'm happier than I can remember being in at least two years (probably three if I'm being honest). I have surrounded myself with people who are kind to me. I'm learning to love myself. It's hard. There are times I look in the mirror and all I see are flaws. I see what he told me to see. I see a small chest and a wide butt. I see eyes that look too small if I wear glasses so I wear contacts instead. I hear his voice telling me I don't dress nice enough; I should wear more dresses and less blue jeans. I hear him telling me that he "just isn't attracted to women with short hair." I remember him putting his hand on my leg or stomach and shaking it to make my fat jiggle. I remember feeling ugly and never good enough. I remember telling him how I went from being a girl who struggled with self-esteem issues before I met to to being a girl who hated her body after being married to him for almost four years. I remember weighing 125 pounds and being told I needed to join a gym and get in shape. I remember him telling me he was afraid I was going to get fat. I remember how badly it hurts for the man who vowed to love me forever say such hateful, hurtful words to me.

So I'm happier now. But what does it mean? Can I be as happy as I used to be before this marriage? Can I change the way I look at myself. Will I ever not hear his words? Will I ever feel good about myself? I am happier than I have been in years and I still don't completely love myself. But I am working on it. I don't chastise myself if I eat fast food. I cut my hair above my shoulders and I like it. I wear jeans whenever I want and feel happy doing so. If I exercise it's because I want to, not because someone is making me feel guilty for not exercising. I am learning to be happy with myself. What I'm learning is I have to believe in myself.

I think if I could have one wish it would be for people to be happy with themselves and to never let anyone steal their happiness. I think about my  nieces and my nephew. I think about how I love them. The thought that they may doubt their worth and dislike themselves breaks my heart. When I work with kids who are struggling with self-esteem they are often given an assignment to make a list of their positive attributes. The thought behind this is you have to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. This isn't only for kids and teenagers though. I need to apply this to my life. We, as a society, all need to apply this. Replace "I'm ugly" with "I'm beautiful." Replace "I'm stupid" with "I'm smart." The truth is you believe what you hear. If you hear bad things about yourself, then you'll believe them. So change the cycle. Say good things about yourself. Tell yourself you are smart, beautiful, kind, happy. Then slowly you will start to be happier, too.