Relationship Grieving

Today at work I was talking with a friend who just finalized her divorce this week. She told me the actual court date was hard. She cried. She said she already grieved the loss of her husband, but she had not grieved the loss of her marriage. Some people would probably question this. After all, isn't a husband exactly one half of a marriage. If one is gone, the other is gone also. I see this line of reasoning. But let me explain why it's not the same.

Many people date around before they marry. A lot of people have multiple serious partners before deciding to marry. Grieving a husband is like grieving the break-up of a boyfriend you dated for years. You grieve the loss of the person You grieve the loss of their presence, their friendship, their touch. You grieve the loss of songs and secrets and jokes that you shared. You grieve the loss of the future you could have had.

But when you grieve a marriage you grieve something much more emotional. I've broken up with guys and I left my husband. Leaving my husband was one thousand times harder than breaking up with any of my old boyfriends, even though our marriage was not healthy and we both hurt each other. Ending a marriage is so much more official. You have to list assets and debts. You have to split up bills and belongings. You have to say, "I promised to be with this person forever, but I failed miserably in that promise." I have struggled with shame and embarrassment over saying "my marriage failed." I don't fail. I succeed. It may take a lot of hard work and dedication but I succeed. So why couldn't I succeed in my marriage? Did I not try hard enough? Should I have loved more? Prayed more? Been less angry? Been more forgiving?

The truth is I don't know that anything could have saved my marriage. We were living two completely different lives. We wanted completely different futures. The last time I talked to him he told me he ruined his life with poor decisions. I didn't say anything, but in my heart I agreed. He drank too much and cheated a lot, and constantly put me down. I became angry and resentful. I hated being his wife. My marriage failed...miserably. I can't escape that. But I am getting to the point that I don't want to. I want to learn and grow and admit my short-comings. I want to have hope for the future.