When Anger Creeps In

My last post was all about how happy I was to be moving on, and I am. But then he comes back in. We have to talk about the divorce and filing taxes and blah blah blah. It's been weeks since I've talked to him and I have been happy, confident in my decision to move on. Then comes the divorce talk. "Are you sure? Have you really thought about this? Is there nothing that could fix us?" I'm not belittling him or his questions. But seriously, no word from him until I bring up working on the divorce and then he decides to start sending me messages on facebook of gifs cute kittens and happy couples. Plus he wants to tell me all about his problems.

I know I seem unsympathetic, and maybe I am, but I begged for affection for the last three years. All he did was make me feel worthless and sad and alone. It's not fair to play on my emotions, to talk about his bills, his health, his loneliness. I was lonely for years while he stayed out all night "with his friends." When I was sick, he was largely unsympathetic, saying "I just can't handle it."  I spent over a year paying all the bills and he refused to consider eliminating any of his bills. He needed to have three trucks on the insurance because one might break down and then he would need to drive the other one (granted he did pay all the bills while I was in nursing school).

Initially I felt bad when I heard this, but then I just became angry. When we were together I needed a partner. I needed a friend. I needed to be shown love and affection. I needed my husband to come home at night. I needed my husband to want to spend time with me. I needed a husband who built me up. I only had that for about the first year of marriage.

I am angry. I am hurt and angry. You don't get to decide to put in effort after I've already left and am happy for the first time in years. You don't get to say you didn't know that you loved me until now. It's crap. I don't know what to do with this anger when it comes rushing to the surface. I don't hate him. I wish him well. I just don't wish to be with him anymore. I know I still need more time. I'm clearly not over everything that has happened if I can still get so worked up. But I am starting. I am getting my feelings out, little by little, even if no one reads this it's here. It's part of my healing; it's part of my journey.